happy new year !!!!!!

My prayer for all you guys is that the people you care about find sobriety. That you give and receive forgiveness in your life.

That you experience the unconditional Love of Jesus Christ

amen…

 

 

Sigh………………………..

I'm still sober..

just tired.

tired emotionally, spiritually, physically,

and any other kind of tired you can think of,

if its blah and just plain wore out,

you can add it to this list.

i am tired of being half a man due to my disability.

i am in recovery. Have been for over twenty years.

except for the few years i went in and out of the clean life by trying to get even with God by binging on crack and booze.

It didn't work. I'm back in the pulpit. more in Love with Jesus than ever.

I am prescribed extremely large amounts of opiates due to a physical disability. The amount i am on would probably kill you. Not fast, you would just forget to breath, then die.

Quietly.

Peacefully.

I have asked my wife for help in finding a way to stop these meds. She is a nurse. She is against me stopping due to quality of life issues. But again i asked for help and told my doctor no more.

i will take my last pill in a few days. I will suffer extreme opiate withdrawal. it is by choice. i will do this without the support of the woman i love. i fear being alone more that the physical pain i will endure for a week or so. I don't understand my wife and why she ignores me.

when a close male friend went through this she was at his bedside every day cheering him on. helping in anyway she could.

i told her I need help. I got no response. nothing. just a shrug of her shoulders. I guess I'm not on the list, or very near the bottom. She does this with all areas. If she can help someone in need, or be a cheerleader for a down and outer, she is there… pom poms and all.

if someone here, in her home has a need. We are on  a wait list. like going to the hospital and not having insurance.

I go to counseling. Have been for sometime. She will not go with. My pastor asked who she will listen to, who she submits to? i replied nadda, nobody, ever..

you see, my wife is in recovery also. She is also a Christian.

Difference is she does not have a program. She just stopped the booze and drugs. I call her a dry drunk. She has been an alcoholic and an addict since her early teens. She needs a program to help her get healthy. To work on the issues. (those in recovery understand what i am talking about)

I have been working a program. Growing in my walk towards Jesus. Submitting to a great group of Godly men who keep me grounded in Christ and sober minded.

I think its time for al anon. I can no longer deal with her behavior.  Dry drunks are the worst kind. All the same stuff. Just cant blame it on the booze or drugs. At times i wish she would just drink. At least she was romantic at times and would dance a bit or show me she was attracted to me.

sigh again.

i am married, take in bunches of kids and adults, care for them (most brought in by my wife. She brings these people to our house, dumps them on me and says fix them.) Then goes back to work while i counsel, cook, clean, and whatever else i am called to do. She does nothing to help except the paycheck.

don't get the wrong idea. My wife is a good woman. She does mission work in third world countries. She gives more than we can afford money wise. She is probably one of the best ER Nurses in the country. She is beautiful and sexy. She has Blue eyes that are like looking in to a clear pond in heaven. I know she is hurting in some way and has a wall up to protect her. i just cant find the door. i am sad that she cannot open up to her family. But, i cannot change her. She needs to do this herself, with Gods help.

i have no clue why i am writing this all out on a public blog. i am lonely. i am tired of going to couples gatherings alone. alone all the time. i have friends but it is not the same. i want to sit and talk with my wife. look in her eyes. hold her hand. laugh and joke. talk and cry. Share our walk, our hopes, dreams, hurts and desires.

i am tired.

did i say tired?

did i say lonely?

i love my wife with an inexplicable love. like i am in High School again. a pitter patter of the heart. Folks tell her they would trade for me in a minute. I do all the cooking, cleaning, laundry, and caring for our kids and home. Our roles are not defined but i am more the homemaker i suppose.

So i sit with my bible, my kids in the den. I am preparing a sermon i will deliver this weekend. I think the topic will be Love. Love is work. It is sticking it out even when it makes no sense. I love Jesus Christ and I believe every word in the bible as fact. I choose to be the best husband i can be, to love my beautiful wife unconditionally,

even when I am tired and lonely.

i think ill make a meeting, then call my pastor or a friend and ask for prayer.

 

You are loved

Brother Frankie

 

 

 

 

 

A Biker for Christ